Staying Together for the Long Haul

10.20.2009

Stress, Family, Spouses and Driving

In an online forum, the worried wife of a truck driver asked for advice about maintaining her marriage after many years. One trucker wrote back to say, “I’m sure I’ve heard your husband on the CB, talking about how patient and terrific his wife is after fifteen years of marriage, with him on the road all the time.” 

From romantic partners, long time spouses, children, to parents and other relatives, relationships are important sources of comfort and pleasure in people’s lives.  However, it’s not easy even when people are together on a regular basis.   When one person is gone for long intervals, both parties have to develop skills to keep stress and strain out of their lives.  Many drivers, especially women, try to take their loved ones on the road, but there are often company restrictions about who can ride along.    Those who stay home often feel like a “married widow” or single parent, called upon to handle every day and emergency situations. Even drivers who love the life say, “my only regret: not being physically “there” when my family needs me.”  

Drivers and their families come up with any number of creative approaches to making their relationships work while one person is away.  Melinda Hill of Ohio State University has interviewed truck drivers about their experiences and come up with a list of strategies that seem to work best in reducing stress and making relationships stronger.  Here are some of their suggestions:

Thank goodness for the cell phone!  Talking is now cheaper, easier, and more accessible.  But how couples and families use their phone time is the key. Having a regularly scheduled – and uninterrupted -- time to call and talk to both spouse and children.   Some people make a date for calls and put it on the calendar.

Relationships are built on the sense that each person feels the other is important. Most psychologists suggest that giving undivided time is the best way to really show each other you care. Each family member deserves their own special time, whether in person or on the phone. 

Make it a priority to talk about the good things and positive side of your lives.  It’s easy to slip into criticisms or discussions of stressful topics first when back together, but Hill and others recommend taking time to acknowledge everyone’s commitment to making life together work

Many cell phones now often work as cameras.  A great way to stay connected (for both the driver and their family members) is by taking pictures of where you’ve been or things

 you are doing.

Leave some reminders at home, such as a tape recording or posted notes for family members reminds them of the absent person, even when they’re not around.

Try not to get caught up in all the adjustments of being together again.  People often develop their own routines when separated, making it hard to accommodate life as a couple or a family again.   Start out by making homecoming special, including children where possible.  Most importantly, try not to criticize and be patient about each other’s approach to everyday life.  Don’t expect to have the same roles you have when you’re apart.

Family business can often pile up when people are apart.  A family calendar is a great tool.  Make a chore day or plan for major household tasks.

The person who’s at home often has to operate independently in taking care of households, bills, and other life needs.  Some families keep a notebook or list of how to manage important issues (how to turn the furnace off, who to call in an emergency), and a list of major family issues to discuss when everyone is together. 

As Hill, says, most important of all for stress reduction, remember that relationships all have their ups and downs, but healthy relationships depend on time, energy, and most of all, patience.

By Alice Julier